Chi-Town Adventures: The Erotic Warehouse
The other night I was out with some girlfriends. We went to an art opening on Lake St and drank wine, feeling very fancy and sophisticated. But, that was all about to change! I was driving the ladies home, and we found ourselves on the Near West side, like on Randoloh with its odd mix of upscale restaurants and food packing plants. Then, out of the corner of my eye I spotted an anomaly in this already odd part of town: a non-descript brown brick building displaying these words: EROTIC WAREHOUSE.
Needless to say, I spun my truck right around and pulled into the warehouse’s shady parking lot. Giggling and not really knowing what to expect, the ladies and I jumped out of the car and stepped through the front door.
What we encountered was not as terrifying as I was expecting. The Erotic Warehouse is a pretty typical sex supply shop, well-stocked with dildos and videos. It has none of the airs of your froofier sex shops, where everything is displayed on white shelves and lucite stands, and you can test all the vibrators with hand-painted batteries. No, the toys at the Warehouse are all safely enclosed in their packaging, plastered with photos of porn stores in all their glistening glory.
After wandering around for a bit, my gals and I came across the bachelorette party section of the store, in which every item is shaped like a penis. Eureka! Our (straight, male) friend’s birthday party was the next evening, and clearly the penis pinata was the gift to bring. Doubles as a party game! We hunted the warehouse for things to fill it with, and the girl at the counter was happy to suggest the tiny penis-shaped candies (I assume they taste like runts or sweet tarts? Ew, both of those would gross in this context). She told us, grinning, that the candies would scatter around the room when the pinata burst, and you could still find them weeks later, at which you’d say to yourself, “ooh a little dick!”
That register girl, though pretty scary looking, was just a delight. She also kindly advised us to wash the penis straws before use, as many people “test them out” while waiting to be rung up. I took that advice, for sure. We also stuffed the pinata with some “sexy scratchers” bachelorette party lotto tickets, some Magnums I had at home (sorry, Lance doesn’t have any other sizes ;) and leftover Halloween candy. The gift was complete.
Our birthday boy was disturbed, yet touched by our thoughtfulness. We strung the present up on the balcony at his house, and he knocked the pinata right off on the first whack. It then exploded in the street, and the partygoers scrambled to pick up the loot. Needless to say, the straws were the hit of the evening. Perfect for slurping up PBR from a can.
Thanks, Erotic Warehouse.
(1246 W. Randolph)
Dear Lucy, I’ve been with my boyfriend for just about a year now and I lost my virginity to him ages ago. Recently, he told me I wasn’t great in bed. I thought everything (sexually) was great. Major confidence drainer; I’ve felt awful since he told me. My only saving grace is that he’s the only guy I’ve had sex with so it’s partially his fault too ;P How do I recover from hearing this? :( I’ve had awful confidence issues all my life, improved dramatically, now I’m back to where I started. :(
Pardon moi? He said WHAT?!
It is way not cool to tell someone they aren’t great in bed, and then just leave it at that. Did he offer anything else? Specifics? Things he wanted that you could try together? If not, then you are left with no way to move forward, and that is his bad. You can’t “recover” from an insensitive comment like this. You can only discuss it fully, and come up with a plan together on how to make your sexy-time improve. And, are you sure you’re entirely satisfied? Maybe you can also bring up some things that would make you happier in bed, as well.
As for your self-confidence, it is a total dick move for this dude to bring you down like that. It is his responsibility as your partner to make you feel good about yourself. If he is not complimentary and confidence-boosting in any part of your relationship, then it is time to end the relationship. Start seeing someone who will make you feel GOOD, emotionally and physically, and who understands that communication is the only way for a healthy relationship to develop.
Everyone has the power to be good in bed. It takes practice, and most importantly, COMMUNICATION.
After taking a poll of all the friends in the room at the time (2 guys, 2 gal. All experienced BJ givers & receivers), my initial thoughts were confirmed: letting it back out is usually the way to go.
To clarify, what I think you mean is that you give a guy a blowjob, he ejaculates in your mouth, and then you open your mouth while he finishes his orgasm. This lets his jizz run out of your mouth, down his dick, and onto his crotch, your hands (if they’re involved), and maybe the bed or whatever surface he’s sitting/laying on. Yes, it’s messy. But if you’re not into swallowing every time, this is a completely acceptable action.
The best way to deal with the mess is to be prepared. While spontaneity is valuable occasionally, if you know you’re getting down into sexy time, you can take a sec to get ready for it. Have a towel handy for clean up, or a dirty t-shirt from the laundry hamper. Lance and I keep a stack of bandannas on his dresser for various household uses; BJ cleanup being a common one. Your dude can also sit on a towel while receiving head, in order to save the sheets, or your Italian leather sofa.
Unless you really love swallowing, you can save it for the times when it’s totes necessary, like giving oral outdoors, or in the car. On such an occasion, mess is not as easy to deal with. You could, however, simply spit out the window, or into a kleenex. Not the classiest move, but understandable.
One more thing: when discussing this subject with my pals, one guy said, “I don’t get this obsession people have with swallowing, anyway.” This led to a healthy debate, which we all came to an agreement on at the end. It was this: swallowing can be fun and sexy if you genuinely like swallowing come. It can also be hot if you like some demeaning domination-type play, wherein you are “forced” to swallow (after a discussion with your partner about the D/s games you’re both consenting to). We think this type of situation may be the root of some people’s beliefs that swallowing is always the way to go. And we end with this: as long as you’re both into it, and communicating well, go for it. If the potential swallower is not on the same page, then it’s not cool to just bust a nut in a somebody’s mouth and expect them to swallow it cause that’s what happens in porn. Be real with each other.
P.S. More info on swallowing here
Until You’re Mine, I Draw the Line
I’ve been on 2 dates with a guy I could end up dating long-term. On our 2nd date I conveniently forgot my apartment key; ending up staying the night at his place. We made out, he fingered and caressed me, and I gave him a couple of hand jobs. I feel comfortable with the casualness of the night, but I denied him when he asked for a blow job (price of admission is eating me out!). I want to experiment more with him (I’m a virgin). How do I tell him I’m drawing the line until we’re more official?
Based on what you’ve written, I am a bit confused about where you want to actually “draw the line” with the guy you’re seeing.
You’re already involved in sexual acts with this dude, and it sounds like it’s going well so far. You gave each other manual stimulation, and you said you felt comfortable.
Then you denied a blow job, supposedly because you wanted to balance it out with receiving oral, as well. That’s totally reasonable, but is this something you explained to him? Did he know you wanted it, and he denied it? Or did you not bring it up fully and honestly?
Also, when you say you “conveniently forgot your apartment key,” was this intentional and you wanted to stay the night at his place, or did he convince you to went you weren’t to keen on it? These are important aspects of your blossoming relationship that you need to consider seriously before moving forward. Essentially, are you going to take control of your own wants and needs, or let yourself be swayed when you’re not really feeling it?
It’s great that you want to experiment, and if you’re comfortable with your new man-friend, then you should totally go for it. When it comes down to it, my main piece of advice on how to tell him you’re drawing the is to tell him you’re drawing the line.
It’s your responsibility to explain to him what you want out of your relationship, romantically and sexually. And then you need to listen, and have a conversation and what he wants. If you find that you are on the same page about being safe and honest, and you are both genuinely interested in making each other happy, then you will be in a good place to move forward. It’s not fair, however, to lead him on, making him think that you want something that you will later deny or revoke.
Maybe it sounds contrived, but it never fails to be true: the key to any relationship in life is communication. Use it well.
Don’t Wanna Be… ALL BY MYSELF ANYMOOOOORE!
Dear Lucy, I’m worried I may be one of those women who can’t orgasm with a partner. I like to masturbate, who doesn’t?, but I’m afraid that I’ve built up a ridiculous stamina and now I won’t be able to climax with a partner. Is this a problem or what?
I used to feel similarly- I had found just the right way to give myself an orgasm, and I didn’t think that anyone else would be able to get me there. Happily, I was wrong!
First of all, your me-time has shown you that you can, indeed, have an orgasm from some sort of physical stimulation, so you’ve got that covered.
Secondly, consider the way in which you masturbate. If you use one specific method that gets ‘er done quick, it may be time to switch it up. For instance, if you use a vibrator every time you get yourself off, put the toy away for awhile and start using just your fingers, or the showerhead, or a non-vibe dildo, or, hell, a carrot.
The point is to train yourself to have orgasms in different ways, and to find different touches, textures, and rhythms that can still make you come. This will help you get used to the fingers, tongue, or carrots of a partner, who will not have a touch you’re used to right away.
The next step is to make a promise to yourself to be open about communication when you are with a partner. If s/he is not licking, thrusting, or wiggling around on you in a way that is going to lead you to Orgasm Town, you must tell your partner. Conversely, if s/he IS doing the right things to you at the right time, tell them! Then they can store that info in their memory banks for later, and the next time you’re together, they’ll have good place to start. If you’re shy, you gotta get over it to have successful and satisfying partner sex. Nobody’s gonna feel weird about a few helpful hints, like “Lower! Slower! Deeper! Over there! Squeeze!” (or what have you).
Know that it will take time. You may not see (well, feel) the results you desire for a good while. Just keep trying, experimenting, masturbating, communicating. And the great news on this one: it will get better with practice.
Good luck, let me know how it goes!
It’s Better Wetter!
Alright, so when I have sex, I can never (and I mean never) get wet enough for it to actually be pleasing. I’ve had a fair amount of sex, but it’s always spanned out over time. I really want to use lube, but I honestly don’t understand how to use it, and I feel like it will be incredibly strange asking to use it. Can you give me some lube-related advice?
Indeed I can! First of all, let’s discuss your wetness, and what it is you call “sex.” If you mean penis-vagina intercourse, it is highly advisable to do some things to get your vagina ready for such an action. There are many reasons that people praise foreplay, one of the most important of which being making a lady’s vag moist. Stimulation of your vagina makes you feel good, and lets your vagina know that possible penetration is coming up soon. Having your clitoris and vaginal lips touched, licked, sucked on, etc, can make your vag open up, feel more sensitive, and start to produce natural vaginal fluid.
You say, however, that you never get wet enough. Perhaps you need more foreplay, in the form of mainly oral sex. If your partner goes down on you for a good while, this can get you super excited, causing you to produce more vagina juices. At the same time, your partner’s saliva will be getting all over your nether regions, making you even wetter. (If that sounds gross, get over yourself. This is a sex blog.)
If not enough lube is happening the natural way, then it is way ok to get some wetness-in-a-bottle. I find that condoms tend to dry you out more quickly, rubbing away your own natural moisture. Use lubricated condoms as a first step. Then, add more lube!
Muy importante!!: Do not use oil-based lubes with condoms. This makes the latex material that condoms are made of break down, holes are created, prophylactic now is useless. Any respectable sex shop will make you’re aware of this when you’re purchasing lube, but if they don’t say anything, double check that your lube is WATER-BASED before you buy.
Choosing a water-based lube is pretty fun, actually. There’s a lot of brands out there, and some sex shops let you put a little on your fingers and rub it around to feel the consistency. If you’re rubbing the lube between your fingers for just a couple minutes before your fingers feel dry, look for another brand that stays wet for longer. You can even try flavored lubes! (But only choose SUGAR-FREE flavored lubes, as sugar can cause yeast infections. I’m serious.)
Now, how do you use lubrication? Well, it’s pretty simple: squirt about a quarter-sized amount into your hand, then spread your legs and rub it all over your vag; clit, lips, inside too. Your partner can also do this for you, which can be pretty sexy. I advise squirting it into your hand first, because straight lube onto your vag can feel shockingly cold for a sec (even though the lube’s room temp, your crotch is hotter by far).
Next, CLOSE THE BOTTLE of lube before losing it in the sheets, as you don’t want to find a sticky puddle in the bed later. Yuckola.
Then, try out some intercourse and see how it goes. The dude can rub lube on his cock, too, for double lube action! Apply more lube when needed, and try different brands to see what works best for ya. I say go for “Hydrasmooth” brand, if you can find it.
As for “feeling incredibly strange” asking to use lube, don’t ask: tell. Have lube in reach by your bed, and bring a small bottle with you if you’re having a grown-up sleepover. Then, post-foreplay, if you’re not feeling wet enough, grab your trusty bottle of wetness while your dude rolls on a condom. Say, “Here, let’s use some lube. It makes sex feel really good for me.” Then apply it yourself, or have him do it. Any guy worth being in bed with you will make YOUR good feelings a priority, and he’ll be happy to oblige. If not, kick his dry ass out of bed.
-Letter from a Chicago Writing Desk-
On Love, Marriage, and Equal Rights for All
So you may be wondering where I’ve been all summer. Probably assuming I’ve been having a blast in some tropical paradise, frolicking naked and getting into sexy adventures. Well, not so much. This summer has been taken up with -ta da!- grad school. I have been thinking my head off, folks. And I was separated from Lance for 5 weeks, which was no treat when I realized that the walls of my summer apartment were so paper thin that Skype sex was OUT. So disappointing! I was totally going to do a Skype sex experiment so I could give my readers some advice about how to do it. Alas, studying and lonely nights were all I got.
But I was thinking a lot, as I mentioned above, and reading a whole lot, and talking about the stuff I was thinking about and reading with other students. Which brings me to my point of today’s article: the astonishing reminder that not everyone in America is liberal, open-minded, and educated. I know that may seem obvious to some people, but you forget these things when you spend all your time in metropolitan havens of intellectuals and artists. You forget that much of America has the complete opposite views that you do. Or maybe they agree with you in general, but they don’t listen to NPR as obsessively. Or they don’t really care to be up on sociopolitical issues.
Anyhow, here’s the story: I was asked to lead a reading seminar discussion on Dr. Martin Luther King’s “Letter From a Birmingham Jail.” For those who may not be familiar with this piece of writing, it was written by Dr. King while he was in jail, having been arrested for peacefully protesting for civil rights in 1964. It is written as an open letter to clergymen who had criticized his activism. The letter references instances of prejudices in America, and calls for unity and acceptance for all people. It is a powerful, thought-provoking, and beautifully written piece.
As the leader of this reading seminar, I was doing my best to be sure that everyone got a chance to talk, to ask questions, to respond to one another. The discussion got deep, and intense at times; how could it not? The subject matter of African-American civil rights is difficult for Americans talk about. We feel guilty, I think, that our countrymen acted so unfairly to others because of differences in race. Those of us born many years after this decade feel a sense of disconnection and disbelief; how could there have been segregated water fountains? We stop to think about our own actions and places in society; are we acting justly? Are we doing enough?
As I listened to my classmates, I felt something tugging at the back of my mind. When people spoke of unfairness, injustice, and cruelty, I thought about our current America. We profess to be a land of freedom and equality now, right?? But not everyone gets the same rights, STILL to this day!
How antiquated of an idea, that not all adults can marry in every state! How frustrating, that we KNOW that gay marriage will be legal for all in a few years, but we still have to go through this back and forth of the laws! How appalling, that gay partners cannot be on each other’s insurance plans, cannot be with each other in the hospital! How devastating, that bullying and stigmatizing causes young people, who should be treated with the utmost love, acceptance, and understanding, to end their own lives!
I’m thinking these things during the reading discussion, and I’m trying to stick to the text, so I only allude to them briefly. Something like, “Well, we’re still working on equal rights in this country…” But a classmate gets it, and she takes up the torch, bringing up gay rights as analogous to civil rights fights of the past.
And then a different classmate says something so utterly surprising I am momentarily speechless. This is where my forgetfulness about the people of other backgrounds comes in.
She says something like, “Well, I don’t think that gay rights is the same fight. I mean, they aren’t treated like black people were. Nothing that bad has happened to them. What would they write on their protest signs?”
This woman has a good heart, I’m sure. It’s just that she’s from Texas (sorry, it’s true), and maybe she doesn’t watch the news. Like I said, I’m speechless. I’m floored. But I’m leading the reading discussion, and I have to say something.
A movie montage is going through my head… Matthew Shepard’s face surrounded by the flames of hell on Godhatesfags. com, the Stonewall riots, my cousin getting punched in the face for holding hands with her girlfriend, Dan Savage’s It Gets Better campaign, Prop 8, the Boy Scouts banning gay scout leaders, pink triangles, cancelled proms, Charlene Strong’s heart-wrenching story on the Moth podcast, Marcus Bachmann’s hypocrisy, and all those teenagers who were pushed so hard that they gave up, five in one month last fall.
I have to stop this terrible carnival ride in my head and say something. I look this poor woman in the eye and stumble through something like, “No, I don’t think that’s true. I think there’s still a lot of equal rights work to be done in our country.” I cited a few of the examples above, and she looked surprised. And I thought holy balls, she she really doesn’t know this stuff!
There is, indeed, a lot of work to be done in this country, my friends. It’s really important work. It’s important that you educate your children, your friends, your family, and the occasion ignorant stranger, on the fact that every person on this earth has a right to love, be with, and commit to another person, regardless of gender, race, class, religion, or anything other thing that makes them “different” from each other. And it’s important that that love and commitment is recognized by all the people in our communities, and our governing bodies.
Yesterday, I had the great honor of being part of the wedding of two women who are very dear to me. It was an absolutely beautiful and joyous ceremony. The love between these women was palpable, and love for them and their happiness emanated from the family and friends surrounding them. As the wedding party processed, gleefully, down the street from the ceremony to the reception, we passed a table of young folks that cheered for the brides. One gal, a complete stranger, shouted, “Thank you, state of Illinois!” She was referring to our state’s recent passing of a Civil Union law.
One small step forward, Illinois. I’m grateful that this step allowed my friends’ commitment to be recognized, legally, by our community. I know that this will continue in the years to come, and I am so looking forward to that day when I’m talking to some little kid and I hear them say “What? Gay people couldn’t get married in America? That’s so weird!” It WILL happen, I know it will. We gotta keep working toward making our country the place of liberty it claims to be.
I really want to 69 with my boyfriend and he is VERY keen to do it too. I have given him head a few times, and he has eaten me out plenty of times. That’s not the issue…
It’s just, I don’t exactly like the idea of him being so close to my bumhole, it’s okay when he eats me out, cause he’s not close to it, but in 69 isn’t his like nose heaps close to it? I don’t shave down there, only near my pussy, and I am just super duper uncomfortable with him being that close, will it smell or will he accidentally lick it? I am so worried about something going wrong. But I want to do it. :(
First off, I love the term bumhole. It’s cute! Well, that may be debatable I guess. In any case, we don’t say it enough in America. I resolve to use it more.
More importantly, YES, your boyfriend’s nose will be close to your bumhole while you are 69ing each other. This is not, however, a situation for worry. In case you haven’t noticed, sex is a sticky, dirty, sweaty, smelly situation. And that’s ok, in fact it’s glorious! Unless you want to go forth into a lifetime of boredom in bed, you will need to accept that uncomfortable, dirty things will happen during sex sometimes. And after a while, you may even learn to love them.
You have great worries about being eaten out upside-down, thinking that something will “go wrong.” If you’re worried about smelling bad, there are a few things to consider. If you’re super uncomfortable, just wash your butt before sexy time, with a little soap and warm water on a wash cloth. If you’re worried about farting in your guy’s face, well, accept that it could happen some day. Generally, however, I think that you’ll be able to tell that a toot is coming; give him fair warning, so he’ll have time to move before getting a noseful of potent gas.
Also, keep in mind that you don’t need to 69 every day of your life after you try it the first time. 69ing is an awesome way for both partners to get pleasure, and it’s a great alternative to peen-vag penetration. But it’s probably not the only thing you and your partner will ever do together in the whole wide sex world. What I mean by this, is that you can suggest something else besides the 69 if, for instance, you ate a ton of chili and you are feeling particularly gassy some evening. Something that keeps noses farther away from bumholes.
As for your other worry, “will he accidentally lick it?” Darling, I would not put this in the category of “something going wrong.” Not at all. He may, indeed, accidentally lick your butt while going down on you. But that, in my opinion, is not something to be afraid of!
In fact, many people quite purposefully lick each other’s bumholes, because many people agree that it feels pretty nice. Who knows, maybe your bf’s desire to 69 actually has something to do with licking bumholes! He may even want you to do it to him! This is definitely an activity that requires washing up beforehand; I suggest a sexy shower in which you soap each other up. Then, when you get down to 69 time, you’ll both know that the other’s bumhole is clean as a whistle.
Do not be afraid! Sex is all about adventure!
Life. Love. Lust.
I'm Lucy. I live in Chicago and I like to talk about sex. Give me a topic: I'm happy to answer any questions about love, sex, and relationships. Email me at LucyRockwell@gmail.com Follow @LucyRockwell
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